- CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
- CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
- BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
- BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
- VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
- P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
- BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.
- STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
- STOCK ANALYST - One who just downgraded your stock.
- STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
- MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
- CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
- WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
- INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
- PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.
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- If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
- If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
- If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
- But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
- Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.
- It's called the 401-Keg.
